Part of God's work with my healing process has been illuminating the fact that I struggle with cPTSD. Complex Post Traumatic Stress.
In PTSD, there are intense flashbacks to a traumatic event which has either been witnessed or experienced. These flashbacks can manifest in nightmares, severe anxiety and uncontrollable thoughts about the event.
With cPTSD is also an intense emotional reaction that can also have the same manifestations but the reactions are to traumatic events (usually relational), that occured over a prolonged period of time. A child or young person who does not have anyone to 'bounce' these on-going traumatic events off to gain comfort, safety and relief will then internalize the stress and develop a whole world of coping strategies. Much of the time, these traumatic events are not something that the conscious memory has a 'video reel' for. The reality of their existence shows up as horrible emotional triggers in usually relational or social situations that send the person into an 'emotional flashback' and the person feels as if they were right in the original pain of feeling abandoned, rejected and unsafe. When in an emotional flashback the person will react in one of 4 ways, flight, fight, fawn or freeze. (For more about cPTSD, please please read the incredible book by Pete Walker. cPTSD from Surviving to Thriving. It will help you, on your journey along with divine intervention and what he calls a 'safe enough' therapist who can compassionately walk you through your healing process.
I have gone most of my life having no CLUE I had cPTSD. I only knew that certain social events or relational issues would set me off and I would have an overwhelming need to 'get out of' a situation, removing myself from the situation physically many times, and then would go spinning headlong into anger, hopelessness, sometimes suicidal desires, and the feeling that 'this feeling' would never go away. I had a lot of thoughts go through my head, which I learned from Pete's book were my 'inner critic' who would basically be mean and cruel to myself in my thoughts, in an effort to 'keep me safe' from getting hurt. These thoughts would tell me that a person didn't really care about me, that I was horrible or super messed up, not fixable, never going to get over it, not a good friend, a slob, and the HUGEST etc.... ever.
If you have gone through this, you KNOW the drill.
Well, the mean thoughts are just the surface.
That's where the light comes in.
When God flipped on the lights in my counselor's office, I, of course, wanted to run for the hills, leave her office immediately, phone a friend who I could tell how horrible she was and agree with me that I needed to never go back again.... until I realized that this person in my head was NOT telling me things that were helping me, or that were true, but were indeed my 'younger self' popping up 40 something years into the future and bullying me around... because she was INCREDIBLY hurt and was trying to look out for me.
I know this sounds crazy, but it's just true.
When I FINALLY realized what was going on, I cried for days and days.... (not continually, but whenever I was alone and could let myself feel what I was really feeling underneath all of the critic panic and anger.
What I found underneath was a WHOLE LOT of sadness and aloneness. GRIEF. Anger at the way I had been treated. And I journaled, and journaled... Every time something would set me off, I would spend time later when I was alone and would cry it out, feel the deep pain of it, and journal out what would come to my heart in the midst of that feeling of utter alone-ness.
My counselor would encourage me that many people don't want to go through the kind of pain it takes to go through the process of grieving this out...being kind to all of my parts, telling myself... 'you're ok baby...' when I was in the middle of a flare up, and just letting myself feel it all.
It has been super hard to go anywhere besides work, or let anyone besides my counselor the least bit close to me in this process. I think that in itself has been incredibly healing, because I have learned to give myself permission for a whole bunch of things I never thought I was allowed to do or feel. Telling myself it's ok to have a non-productive day... I'm in a healing process, and it takes focus. I don't need to be participating in a bunch of social activities, especially when they feel painful. I told her I just feel raw. She asked, 'like having a sunburn, and going places, or being around most people feels like it's exposing the burn to more sun? YES. Exactly.
God HAS given me a few friends from my divorce care group who are also super raw. Two of them also struggle with issues from their growing up, one in particular also had flashbacks and panic similar to mine. This was SUCH a gift to me to have someone who truly understands what this feels like and the work it is to let ourselves feel this pain, in order to leak the intense energy out of it and legitimize that it was a big deal and causing so much distress in my adult life. Somehow it's supposed to help. For now, it's just a ton of pain with no end in sight... but I do NOT want to just stay the way I am, so I am walking forward in it... not sure where I will end up.
Recently God has brought another friend who goes to my new church and also struggles with cPTSD along with a variety of other issues. Who in a million years would think that this crap would actually be useful!!!???? It is SO wonderful to spend time with her. We met for coffee a week ago and it was so incredible sharing our stories. Then, this weekend, we got to spend more time together and we're like instant friends, not only in the struggle, but in the fun department. It honestly felt like Christmas this weekend... like I got the best present ever. I feel NORMAL again, well maybe for the first time. It's amazing.
This place I'm in, is just one GIANT mess. SUPER ugly, sometimes hopeless. But the lights are on, and He has brought me some journey mates.
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