Day 1. Nearness to Nothingness

As much as I want to move on to Day 2, I need to stay here a little while longer.

It has just "dawned" on me. ha ha... LITERALLY...that God's BIG story of creation may just potentially be MY story of creation.
I don't want to get ahead of myself, but I will say that if I am to take hold of that as being true, it means 2 very incredible things for me on this "Day 1" of my new life.

Day 1 was and is all about Him brooding as a dove over the place of Nothingness. My place of Nothingness.
He was and is not in a huge hurry to get to Day 2. Not only was He NEAR to the place of Nothingness, He brooded that quiet, wordless, song of hope over His creation, and does the same over my life. The fact that He would weave these two together all in the same day, just blows my circuits.

I will start with Nearness to Nothingness, and touch a little on my struggle with HOPE.

My question is..................How could He be that gracious?

He knows when to let HOPE just be a place of His silent holding over our lives. I say our because I KNOW I am not in a million years the only one He does this with. If He is THIS Awesome with me, He is THIS Awesome with all of His lovelies.

It's HIM, not us................... Ha, sounds like a bad break-up line... only the opposite.

Sometimes when we're in the place of nothingness, the most painful thing is to have hope shoved down our throats. At the same time, being in a place of nothingness without hope is deadly. I think this is why He holds onto both, quietly out of love and safety over us. Well up to a point. I know we have the freedom to choose to yield to His hope over us or not... but how far He will go to try to overt our efforts at self destruction is probably farther than we can imagine, although pushing this too far is extremely dangerous.

At my old home of 18 years, I "had" to yell at crows to get them to leave my property. They represented a sassy, scavenger, territorial spirit that I knew I couldn't just ignore. I have had many situations where I stood my ground, and even if it made me look foolish, I didn't care. I knew I couldn't let it slide.
I think that this 'stand' represents many other stands I needed to be constantly taking while I was in that place. I was on the offense, needing to be taking charge in the spirit over what was not God's heart for me or my kids.
All the while, I continued to stand in a place of almost mandatory hope. I was on an intercessory prayer team where we prayed for things that were not as though they were. This was my identity for years. I was on our worship team, where I literally declared hope and God's HUGENESS over our congregation, inviting them along with us in leadership to exalt the ONE who could do ANYTHING, who held ALL THINGS in HIS hands.

I was a HOPE declarer and spreader.

This was more out of a cerebral knowing place though, I am realizing. I didn't feel like I could let hope go and give up on anything.
It wasn't godly.
Years of praying, believing, trying to set boundaries, begging God for help and strength, which He did give me, but after 20 years of this being my identity, I chose to stop the war on one front, which sort of lead to other fronts, somehow.

I wanted out of this place. This wasn't going to get any better, and if it was, I didn't think this broken everything could be fixed.
There were patterns and beliefs that I had adapted over the years, ways of coping with unpredictable...etc...and it all was crashing down on me and the kids. I didn't think we were going to make it much longer without one or all of us going over each of our edges.
There had been damage done over the years from choosing to be in this environment out of a fear of giving up. But now I knew this was an actual choice I could make.

I had to do it.
I chose to do it.

 A HUGE decision that I will live with for the rest of my life.

Now, in the process of 'giving up', I wasn't thinking about new AT ALL. I just knew, I couldn't do old anymore.

God did help me.
He did provide for me.
He made a way out.
He literally helped me get out.
He provided wise counsel COUNTLESS times.
He provided the finances.
He provided a place for us to go.
He was THERE through the whole process.
He spoke to me and gave me direction, and let me know He wasn't asking me to go back.

I didn't make Him do this.
He JUST DID.

I KNOW this is hard for a Bible believing Christian to hear and nod his/her head to.
What about all the verses about God hating divorce, about a believing wife praying and believing for her husband and him being 'won over' without a word, about Jesus' conversation with his disciples about the 'ways out' of a bad marriage. Infidelity and abandonment.
Can't exactly undeniably check either of those boxes.

Well. I can tell you how God spoke to me. What His Spirit spoke to me in relation to all of these passages, but it would never answer every question.

I GAVE... up.
Yes.......I......did.

This brings it back to the combination of HOPE and Nearness to Nothingness that is MY Jesus. The one I know intimately. I would even dare to say..... Jesus of the Bible.

He broke the law with His blood. He just did. You could say he came to break the law. He broke its power over us.
HE KNEW we would get to a point......well, it wouldn't take too long from the time he made us......that we would screw it all up. We wouldn't be able to handle walking in the cool of the garden with Him, trusting Him to be good, trusting Him to be near and all we need.
HE KNEW IT, but still chose near and intimacy.
He chose to go near the woman caught in the act of adultery, we read about in the Bible, who LEGALLY was sentenced to death....and he CHOSE mercy over her.
He chose HONOR over her.
He drew near to her when there was a flock of 'truth speakers' all around her, who totally had a case. They WERE RIGHT!

And He chose to call them all out on the 'you're a sinner too dudes' carpet, and shut their hopeless condemning spirit down all in one sentence. When they all walked away, His private words to her in this place of NEARNESS to her Nothingness were words of HOPE.
Girl, you don't have to live like this anymore. You're not just a piece of property, you can live in the light, you can choose a different path. AKA....go and sin no more, an invitation to a different life, one that lets Jesus bring all of His power and love to bear on her nothingness.
Girl... you've got options. You really do.

He did this SO many times.

He did the same thing with the woman at the well.
He chose nearness to her.
He flipped the lights on, in the middle of their conversation about getting him a drink of water, and let her know.
Precious one, I see you, and I'm still here, extending what you REALLY need. Even if you don't drink of the living water I offer, I still made the trip here to be with you and offer life to you. I will not turn my back on you in shame.

Another example is the city of Nineveh. They were SOOOO messed up. God knew they would KEEP being messed up. BUT...

He still chose to show them mercy and grace and HOPE.

He knew they would go back to their evil way of not walking with God, but He still wanted Jonah to go and extend His mercy to them with skin on.
GOD KNEW the outcome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He didn't see His kindness and love as a waste of His time.

THIS IS WHO HE IS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's not just a story. This is for real His character. I am not like that. ONE BIT. HE KNOWS when to be near to our Nothingness, and all the while, He is a brooding dove, just cooing the song of.....I'm not saying a word here, but I KNOW the plans I have for you baby. I know what is to come of this creation I want to do in you. With or without your willingness to participate, I hold out hope and I will not go away from your mess.


While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us, pretty much sums it all up.

He extends a solution to our mess, but does NOT cram it down our throats. It's OUR choice.

This brings me back to the Crows and the Doves. Ever since we moved to our new house, I have had only one encounter with a crow. One of the first days we moved in, one was sitting on the top of 'our' house, it's a duplex and we rent it, so it was trying to bring up some authority issues.... and I just yelled at it and told it...
'Don't even think about it. Get out of here!"
It flew off immediately and I have never had another crow on "my" property since then.

In exchange, God has sent me doves. I hear them at the most amazing times. I will be super stressed out about something, or there will be a very difficult situation going on, or I will be having hopeless thoughts, and in those moments I will hear a dove cooing outside my window, singing her peace and hope over our 'house'. They eat at my birdfeeder in the backyard. I see them all over our neighborhood.

God brought the doves. They represent His Spirit and Peace and Word over our lives and situations. The brooding sound they make, speaks the quiet, kind and, for now, wordless hope He holds over our lives, my life.
There is a future, but even if you don't believe it, or can't believe it yet, I AM HERE and I'm not going anywhere.
I will be with you till the end.
I'm not afraid of this place.

Let Me hold that for you baby.

The Beginning. Day One

So in the beginning, the Earth was a soup of nothingness, a bottomless emptiness, an inky blackness. God's Spirit brooded like a bird above the watery abyss.  Genesis 1:2 The Message 

Before anything was set in order, God just was near to the soup of nothingness, brooding over what WAS, and also what was to be. And the first order of business?

Flip the lights on.

God spoke "Light!" And light appeared. God saw that light was good and separated light from dark. God named the light Day, he named the dark Night: It was evening, it was morning- Day One. Genesis 1:3-5 The Message

I am in awe that the way God chose to create His perfect world was to start with a bottomless emptiness, and then just turn on the lights

Let's just sit in that place a minute. Part of perfection, part of His design in creation was to allow things to not look as they were destined to be, but to not shy away from looking straight at the black, empty, nothing, achy bottomless pit of near hopelessness that was right in front of Him. This was HIS DOING. He worked WITH hopelessness from the BEGINNING. He didn't make due with it. He USED IT as part of His perfect creative process.
He so could have just ...POOF....and everything went from nothing to AMAZING all at once. This is not the way He did it. OR DOES IT.

I get so impatient with process sometimes. I mean, it's cute when a toddler is taking his or her first steps, or when he or she first says... daaa daaa... but I feel Him, in my place of beginning again, not impatient, one bit. Flipping the lights on and not screaming, but rather saying. "Baby girl, this is "Day One"... It's part of my perfect process."
I also love that He separated light from dark. He gave some 'lights out' time too each day. Sometimes we can look at it, and sometimes, we can just take a break. I am here and near, with or without the lights on. This is what Day One is all about.

This very part of God is healing my heart SO much. Somehow, I learned that God just wants to use people. He wants us to be perfect....be like Jesus. Be kind. Jesus, others, you. That's how you spell JOY. I have felt like I HAVE to choose God, I HAVE to walk perfectly, I HAVE to...even, be a Christian. And the answer is....no. No, I don't. For the first time, I feel His gentle with-ness. Here with me, just as I am.

Not doing much of anything for the kingdom.
Not helping others out a whole lot
Not writing in my journal
Not digging deep into the Word like I used to with my Strong's Concordance
Not doing any ministry.

I feel for the first time, in the uniqueness of a place like this, Him being right near me, LOVING ME, and not forcing me to do anything, include trust Him. He is not forcing me to have hope. He is not making me hang on to Him. He is just loving me. Over and over....

I'll give you one tiny example of MANY.   I have a plant in my window that I have had for not quite a year. It means a lot to me for many reasons. I have been afraid to plant it outside because I haven't wanted it to die. It has looked scraggly for quite some time now, and has a little more brown than green on it. Well, the other day, I moved the blinds on my window and there were 3 yellow flowers that had bloomed on the other side of the blind. I know it's 'just a plant'... but the fact that He let it bloom again, spoke a powerful message to my heart AND..it just made me smile because I LOVE this plant so much.  He does this kind of thing ALL THE TIME.

I have sweet cuddly pets, I have kids that say funny things, I see license plates that say "GOD SEES" and "JSUS4U". I see heart shaped mud puddles, He has given me a job I absolutely love, and co-workers who I have so much fun with.

LISTEN TO ME......................... I DON'T DESERVE HIS KINDNESS!!!!!!!!!!

I am not suffering from low self esteem here. In my self-construed God economy I have felt like, well, we follow God, we obey, we pray.... He answers, He steers us the way He wants us to go.
I AM NOT DOING THIS!!!!
I'm not saying I'm being super disobedient, but I am NOT doing ANYTHING that a Christian would think is setting me up for God to move in my life!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I am not super spiritual, I am not sharing this point of view from a doctorate in theology, or whatever would deem me to be an expert on the subject.
I am telling you, THIS IS REALITY!!!!!!!! This is ACTUALLY how God is working.
He just LOVES US!

This used to sound so cliché to me growing up. Jesus loves you. Honestly, it actually made me cringe to hear that because it didn't line up with anything I was actually experiencing to be love.
Love is being NEAR TO THE MESS. It's saying.. I'm HERE, and you can choose or deny me. I am not going to force you to do either.

Now, don't get me wrong. I KNOW there is a penalty for my sin condition. I KNOW that without a relationship with Jesus, without His blood to cover over me, I'm going to stay in the pit of inky nothingness for-Ever.

I...GET...IT.

But that's not the pathway to His heart. It's not hanging hell over peoples' heads.
HE LOVES ALL OF HIS CHILDREN.
No matter what each has done.
No matter where each is at in believing in Him.
This is HIS idea.

I don't love this way. I would not do "BEING GOD" that way.
I would not be that kind.
I would not be that patient, or giving, or resilient to rejection.
I would not be that hopeful... and...
I would NEVER give up my kids... ANY of them....to sacrifice their purity in my place.
I would NOT send them to a world marred by choice towards AWAY from Him, in order for them to feel like I UNDERSTAND what it is like to experience the fruit of making crappy choices and not choosing relationship with Him.
I would NOT choose to let my kid be born in a parking lot of a town that has every single Motel 6, Huggy Bear Motel, bed bug infested $45/night motel room taken with no other place to be born. And then in that parking lot, he gets to sleep in the backseat of an abandoned car that is filled with used McDonald cups and wrappers, and smelly diapers on the floor.

THIS IS WHAT OUR KING CHOSE!!!! HE CHOSE to KNOW poverty, to KNOW rejection and betrayal, to be able to understand what in the world would cause our hearts to stray from His perfect love. And He did all this without beating us down with a heavenly hammer and demanding our submission to His will.

He just LOVES us.

Then... we get to decide.

Will we let this kind of LOVE radically invade our lives.
Will I TRUST THIS GUY?
Will I let Him have the pieces of my life and heart, and willingly say... HAVE IT ALL LORD!!!

I am not giving my life to a power hungry, woman degrading, impatient, Holy User who just wants perfect followers. I am giving my heart to the KING of LOVE!

But this choice comes with the option to continue to trust Him and the way He does His Kingdom. He doesn't do things the way I do.... remember??? 
He doesn't make everything beautiful on Day One.

He....just....doesn't. 

Even when He created everything in the beginning... it wasn't all done in a day. And now, with His heavenly OK on us doing our lives the way we choose....
We're left with that mess.
We're left with the casualty of living this way.
We're left with broken lives, death, sickness...

He doesn't just come down here and fix it all.
Boy do we get mad at him for not fixing everything.
He doesn't HEAL EVERYONE. Come on. I know that By His stripes we are healed. BUT Let's Get REAL! It does NOT happen every time.

He HEARS these cries in our prayers for Him to PLEASE....for all that is good and right in the world... GOD WILL YOU PLEASE HEAL MY LOVED ONE??!!! Will you breathe life into this relationship? Will you provide for this deep need?

And we pray in faith,
We stand on His word
We do EVERYTHING RIGHT... on our end...

and
it...
just...
doesn't...
happen.

And we blame the devil, we blame ourselves... and we blame Him.

And do you know where He is... when we're left, holding "death" in our arms,
When we're left in the soup of nothingness??
...the bottomless emptiness of grief and hopelessness?

He is RIGHT there.

Father is right there, knowing EXACTLY what it is like to hold death in His arms. He did it with Jesus, but He has done it millions of times before that even... some recorded, and millions not recorded. Because THIS...IS...OUR...KING, our CREATOR. He just does His Kingdom that way.

We know that all things work together for good. Sometimes we can understand that good, and sometimes we're fighting, and screaming and clawing at Him with tears mingled in our agony. Sometimes we're quiet, and distant in our lack of understanding.
But however we choose to walk in His kingdom. He IS NEAR.
He is loving us every single way He can get through to us.

"You don't have to fix this. You don't have to understand. You can trust me or not. I am here."

And when we get to the place where we have let enough of His love into our hearts, this is where our kingdom eyes can start to see life springing up. But that's for another day.