Day 1. Nearness to Nothingness

As much as I want to move on to Day 2, I need to stay here a little while longer.

It has just "dawned" on me. ha ha... LITERALLY...that God's BIG story of creation may just potentially be MY story of creation.
I don't want to get ahead of myself, but I will say that if I am to take hold of that as being true, it means 2 very incredible things for me on this "Day 1" of my new life.

Day 1 was and is all about Him brooding as a dove over the place of Nothingness. My place of Nothingness.
He was and is not in a huge hurry to get to Day 2. Not only was He NEAR to the place of Nothingness, He brooded that quiet, wordless, song of hope over His creation, and does the same over my life. The fact that He would weave these two together all in the same day, just blows my circuits.

I will start with Nearness to Nothingness, and touch a little on my struggle with HOPE.

My question is..................How could He be that gracious?

He knows when to let HOPE just be a place of His silent holding over our lives. I say our because I KNOW I am not in a million years the only one He does this with. If He is THIS Awesome with me, He is THIS Awesome with all of His lovelies.

It's HIM, not us................... Ha, sounds like a bad break-up line... only the opposite.

Sometimes when we're in the place of nothingness, the most painful thing is to have hope shoved down our throats. At the same time, being in a place of nothingness without hope is deadly. I think this is why He holds onto both, quietly out of love and safety over us. Well up to a point. I know we have the freedom to choose to yield to His hope over us or not... but how far He will go to try to overt our efforts at self destruction is probably farther than we can imagine, although pushing this too far is extremely dangerous.

At my old home of 18 years, I "had" to yell at crows to get them to leave my property. They represented a sassy, scavenger, territorial spirit that I knew I couldn't just ignore. I have had many situations where I stood my ground, and even if it made me look foolish, I didn't care. I knew I couldn't let it slide.
I think that this 'stand' represents many other stands I needed to be constantly taking while I was in that place. I was on the offense, needing to be taking charge in the spirit over what was not God's heart for me or my kids.
All the while, I continued to stand in a place of almost mandatory hope. I was on an intercessory prayer team where we prayed for things that were not as though they were. This was my identity for years. I was on our worship team, where I literally declared hope and God's HUGENESS over our congregation, inviting them along with us in leadership to exalt the ONE who could do ANYTHING, who held ALL THINGS in HIS hands.

I was a HOPE declarer and spreader.

This was more out of a cerebral knowing place though, I am realizing. I didn't feel like I could let hope go and give up on anything.
It wasn't godly.
Years of praying, believing, trying to set boundaries, begging God for help and strength, which He did give me, but after 20 years of this being my identity, I chose to stop the war on one front, which sort of lead to other fronts, somehow.

I wanted out of this place. This wasn't going to get any better, and if it was, I didn't think this broken everything could be fixed.
There were patterns and beliefs that I had adapted over the years, ways of coping with unpredictable...etc...and it all was crashing down on me and the kids. I didn't think we were going to make it much longer without one or all of us going over each of our edges.
There had been damage done over the years from choosing to be in this environment out of a fear of giving up. But now I knew this was an actual choice I could make.

I had to do it.
I chose to do it.

 A HUGE decision that I will live with for the rest of my life.

Now, in the process of 'giving up', I wasn't thinking about new AT ALL. I just knew, I couldn't do old anymore.

God did help me.
He did provide for me.
He made a way out.
He literally helped me get out.
He provided wise counsel COUNTLESS times.
He provided the finances.
He provided a place for us to go.
He was THERE through the whole process.
He spoke to me and gave me direction, and let me know He wasn't asking me to go back.

I didn't make Him do this.
He JUST DID.

I KNOW this is hard for a Bible believing Christian to hear and nod his/her head to.
What about all the verses about God hating divorce, about a believing wife praying and believing for her husband and him being 'won over' without a word, about Jesus' conversation with his disciples about the 'ways out' of a bad marriage. Infidelity and abandonment.
Can't exactly undeniably check either of those boxes.

Well. I can tell you how God spoke to me. What His Spirit spoke to me in relation to all of these passages, but it would never answer every question.

I GAVE... up.
Yes.......I......did.

This brings it back to the combination of HOPE and Nearness to Nothingness that is MY Jesus. The one I know intimately. I would even dare to say..... Jesus of the Bible.

He broke the law with His blood. He just did. You could say he came to break the law. He broke its power over us.
HE KNEW we would get to a point......well, it wouldn't take too long from the time he made us......that we would screw it all up. We wouldn't be able to handle walking in the cool of the garden with Him, trusting Him to be good, trusting Him to be near and all we need.
HE KNEW IT, but still chose near and intimacy.
He chose to go near the woman caught in the act of adultery, we read about in the Bible, who LEGALLY was sentenced to death....and he CHOSE mercy over her.
He chose HONOR over her.
He drew near to her when there was a flock of 'truth speakers' all around her, who totally had a case. They WERE RIGHT!

And He chose to call them all out on the 'you're a sinner too dudes' carpet, and shut their hopeless condemning spirit down all in one sentence. When they all walked away, His private words to her in this place of NEARNESS to her Nothingness were words of HOPE.
Girl, you don't have to live like this anymore. You're not just a piece of property, you can live in the light, you can choose a different path. AKA....go and sin no more, an invitation to a different life, one that lets Jesus bring all of His power and love to bear on her nothingness.
Girl... you've got options. You really do.

He did this SO many times.

He did the same thing with the woman at the well.
He chose nearness to her.
He flipped the lights on, in the middle of their conversation about getting him a drink of water, and let her know.
Precious one, I see you, and I'm still here, extending what you REALLY need. Even if you don't drink of the living water I offer, I still made the trip here to be with you and offer life to you. I will not turn my back on you in shame.

Another example is the city of Nineveh. They were SOOOO messed up. God knew they would KEEP being messed up. BUT...

He still chose to show them mercy and grace and HOPE.

He knew they would go back to their evil way of not walking with God, but He still wanted Jonah to go and extend His mercy to them with skin on.
GOD KNEW the outcome!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
He didn't see His kindness and love as a waste of His time.

THIS IS WHO HE IS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It's not just a story. This is for real His character. I am not like that. ONE BIT. HE KNOWS when to be near to our Nothingness, and all the while, He is a brooding dove, just cooing the song of.....I'm not saying a word here, but I KNOW the plans I have for you baby. I know what is to come of this creation I want to do in you. With or without your willingness to participate, I hold out hope and I will not go away from your mess.


While we were yet sinners, Christ died for us, pretty much sums it all up.

He extends a solution to our mess, but does NOT cram it down our throats. It's OUR choice.

This brings me back to the Crows and the Doves. Ever since we moved to our new house, I have had only one encounter with a crow. One of the first days we moved in, one was sitting on the top of 'our' house, it's a duplex and we rent it, so it was trying to bring up some authority issues.... and I just yelled at it and told it...
'Don't even think about it. Get out of here!"
It flew off immediately and I have never had another crow on "my" property since then.

In exchange, God has sent me doves. I hear them at the most amazing times. I will be super stressed out about something, or there will be a very difficult situation going on, or I will be having hopeless thoughts, and in those moments I will hear a dove cooing outside my window, singing her peace and hope over our 'house'. They eat at my birdfeeder in the backyard. I see them all over our neighborhood.

God brought the doves. They represent His Spirit and Peace and Word over our lives and situations. The brooding sound they make, speaks the quiet, kind and, for now, wordless hope He holds over our lives, my life.
There is a future, but even if you don't believe it, or can't believe it yet, I AM HERE and I'm not going anywhere.
I will be with you till the end.
I'm not afraid of this place.

Let Me hold that for you baby.