Tuesday I had a horrible afternoon. I was already stressed because I had ignored a warning I heard from God about 'not playing with fire'. Another warning was in the form of my daughter's blog who has been asking people what their advice is to college freshmen this year. One answer she posted, 'Don't sacrifice integrity for a relationship'. Yep. I heard Him right, and still I was the little mouse my great aunt used to tell me about when I was little, sniffing at the cheese on the mouse trap...going back for one more tiny little sniff. BAD idea.
No, I didn't do anything 'wrong'. Well, actually, yes, I did. I didn't listen to Papa. He is soo looking out for my good, and I just buzzed by His kind warnings and did what I wanted. The result was me feeling like crap all day on Monday, because I knew better. No, I didn't get snapped in the trap, but boy did I mess my mind up NEEDlessly.
So I was already in a bad mood from this, and then I came home from work and was in a hurry to get my son to his counseling appointment. He wasn't ready and at the same time, I noticed that my 10 X 10 portable tent over my back porch had blown away AGAIN, and gotten punctured by the fence and the bird feeder hook. I was SO upset. This was the sweet porch area my daughter and I shared all summer, eating our scrambled eggs out there together and just plain old bonding together in our new (rented) home. Right after I had dropped her off at college, I had come home and found the tent blown over and ruined. I had to physically break it into pieces to get it to go in the trash, it was so broken and wouldn't collapse the normal way.
Here I was again, and once again I felt the ''eyes" of my judgmental neighbor on me. No, she wasn't in her yard, and yes, she puts off a judgmental vibe, but I was dealing with the critic in me more than my neighbor. I was going into a full blown flashback of feeling left with a difficult situation and being made fun of in the middle of it, when I could just have used some help. I was also so sad that once again, our happy place was being ruined.
Well, the tent wouldn't collapse and I was quietly yelling at myself, and we were late...so I left the tent and came in and TRIED to pull myself together and stuff the upset me back down... and I waited for my son in the car. I got him to his appointment only 2 minutes late, but had beat myself up in my mind, on the car ride over upset we were late, and upset about the tent, and no one to help me... and I just dropped him off at the door.
I went to the grocery store while he was there, and got a few vegetables, and some money for his co-payment. I held it together in the store. When I was on my way back to find a place to cry it out alone, I suddenly realized I had forgotten his forms for his appointment he had after counseling. I was right back in the freak out mode, not thinking I would have time to do all the running around AND get back to get him on time.
On my way home, I was starting to go to the despair place, feeling like I would never get better... and all of a sudden I heard God say..."It really IS ok." I was stunned. I asked him..."It's ok the tent is broken?" He said..."Yep, it really is ok, I promise, you don't have to freak out about the tent OR the paperwork." I could feel myself calm down a little. I could see that I didn't have to feel this way. I could let what happened, happen, and it could just be ok. Ok to be late, ok to have a broken tent, ok to not have the paperwork... He would help me. "Your younger self feels left and scared, and sad. I'm so sorry you feel that way, and am so sorry for what happened to cause this reaction in you. But you don't have to worry now. It is ok now." I could feel myself separate from my younger self and let myself be ok. It was amazing.
I made it home, copied the forms, got back to counseling early. Filled out some of the forms, took him to his second appointment and got there early! I filled out the rest in the car, and the appointment went great.
That might seem like a small situation to some, but to someone who is battling all this emotion on a daily basis, this was a HUGE victory!
So, not only is there light.. but I am starting to see that it truly is good. One little baby step at a time. He is helping me. He is not in a hurry. He is showing me that there is another way. I can believe He will help me in these 'little/big' practical things. He is not setting me up to laugh at me. He is not the mean voice, He is helping me to hear the truth of His voice louder than the mean voice. His comfort is near to heal my heart from feeling so unbelievably left.
Sunday, October 23, 2016
Let there be light - cPTSD uncovered
Part of God's work with my healing process has been illuminating the fact that I struggle with cPTSD. Complex Post Traumatic Stress.
In PTSD, there are intense flashbacks to a traumatic event which has either been witnessed or experienced. These flashbacks can manifest in nightmares, severe anxiety and uncontrollable thoughts about the event.
With cPTSD is also an intense emotional reaction that can also have the same manifestations but the reactions are to traumatic events (usually relational), that occured over a prolonged period of time. A child or young person who does not have anyone to 'bounce' these on-going traumatic events off to gain comfort, safety and relief will then internalize the stress and develop a whole world of coping strategies. Much of the time, these traumatic events are not something that the conscious memory has a 'video reel' for. The reality of their existence shows up as horrible emotional triggers in usually relational or social situations that send the person into an 'emotional flashback' and the person feels as if they were right in the original pain of feeling abandoned, rejected and unsafe. When in an emotional flashback the person will react in one of 4 ways, flight, fight, fawn or freeze. (For more about cPTSD, please please read the incredible book by Pete Walker. cPTSD from Surviving to Thriving. It will help you, on your journey along with divine intervention and what he calls a 'safe enough' therapist who can compassionately walk you through your healing process.
I have gone most of my life having no CLUE I had cPTSD. I only knew that certain social events or relational issues would set me off and I would have an overwhelming need to 'get out of' a situation, removing myself from the situation physically many times, and then would go spinning headlong into anger, hopelessness, sometimes suicidal desires, and the feeling that 'this feeling' would never go away. I had a lot of thoughts go through my head, which I learned from Pete's book were my 'inner critic' who would basically be mean and cruel to myself in my thoughts, in an effort to 'keep me safe' from getting hurt. These thoughts would tell me that a person didn't really care about me, that I was horrible or super messed up, not fixable, never going to get over it, not a good friend, a slob, and the HUGEST etc.... ever. If you have gone through this, you KNOW the drill. Well, the mean thoughts are just the surface.
That's where the light comes in. When God flipped on the lights in my counselor's office, I, of course, wanted to run for the hills, leave her office immediately, phone a friend who I could tell how horrible she was and agree with me that I needed to never go back again.... until I realized that this person in my head was NOT telling me things that were helping me, or that were true, but were indeed my 'younger self' popping up 40 something years into the future and bullying me around... because she was INCREDIBLY hurt and was trying to look out for me. I know this sounds crazy, but it's just true.
When I FINALLY realized what was going on, I cried for days and days.... (not continually, but whenever I was alone and could let myself feel what I was really feeling underneath all of the critic panic and anger. What I found underneath was a WHOLE LOT of sadness and aloneness. GRIEF. Anger at the way I had been treated. And I journaled, and journaled... Every time something would set me off, I would spend time later when I was alone and would cry it out, feel the deep pain of it, and journal out what would come to my heart in the midst of that feeling of utter alone-ness.
My counselor would encourage me that many people don't want to go through the kind of pain it takes to go through the process of grieving this out...being kind to all of my parts, telling myself... 'you're ok baby...' when I was in the middle of a flare up, and just letting myself feel it all.
It has been super hard to go anywhere besides work, or let anyone besides my counselor the least bit close to me in this process. I think that in itself has been incredibly healing, because I have learned to give myself permission for a whole bunch of things I never thought I was allowed to do or feel. Telling myself it's ok to have a non-productive day... I'm in a healing process, and it takes focus. I don't need to be participating in a bunch of social activities, especially when they feel painful. I told her I just feel raw. She asked, 'like having a sunburn, and going places, or being around most people feels like it's exposing the burn to more sun? YES. Exactly.
God HAS given me a few friends from my divorce care group who are also super raw. Two of them also struggle with issues from their growing up, one in particular also had flashbacks and panic similar to mine. This was SUCH a gift to me to have someone who truly understands what this feels like and the work it is to let ourselves feel this pain, in order to leak the intense energy out of it and legitimize that it was a big deal and causing so much distress in my adult life. Somehow it's supposed to help. For now, it's just a ton of pain with no end in sight... but I do NOT want to just stay the way I am, so I am walking forward in it... not sure where I will end up.
Recently God has brought another friend who goes to my new church and also struggles with cPTSD along with a variety of other issues. Who in a million years would think that this crap would actually be useful!!!???? It is SO wonderful to spend time with her. We met for coffee a week ago and it was so incredible sharing our stories. Then, this weekend, we got to spend more time together and we're like instant friends, not only in the struggle, but in the fun department. It honestly felt like Christmas this weekend... like I got the best present ever. I feel NORMAL again, well maybe for the first time. It's amazing.
This place I'm in, is just one GIANT mess. SUPER ugly, sometimes hopeless. But the lights are on, and He has brought me some journey mates.
In PTSD, there are intense flashbacks to a traumatic event which has either been witnessed or experienced. These flashbacks can manifest in nightmares, severe anxiety and uncontrollable thoughts about the event.
With cPTSD is also an intense emotional reaction that can also have the same manifestations but the reactions are to traumatic events (usually relational), that occured over a prolonged period of time. A child or young person who does not have anyone to 'bounce' these on-going traumatic events off to gain comfort, safety and relief will then internalize the stress and develop a whole world of coping strategies. Much of the time, these traumatic events are not something that the conscious memory has a 'video reel' for. The reality of their existence shows up as horrible emotional triggers in usually relational or social situations that send the person into an 'emotional flashback' and the person feels as if they were right in the original pain of feeling abandoned, rejected and unsafe. When in an emotional flashback the person will react in one of 4 ways, flight, fight, fawn or freeze. (For more about cPTSD, please please read the incredible book by Pete Walker. cPTSD from Surviving to Thriving. It will help you, on your journey along with divine intervention and what he calls a 'safe enough' therapist who can compassionately walk you through your healing process.
I have gone most of my life having no CLUE I had cPTSD. I only knew that certain social events or relational issues would set me off and I would have an overwhelming need to 'get out of' a situation, removing myself from the situation physically many times, and then would go spinning headlong into anger, hopelessness, sometimes suicidal desires, and the feeling that 'this feeling' would never go away. I had a lot of thoughts go through my head, which I learned from Pete's book were my 'inner critic' who would basically be mean and cruel to myself in my thoughts, in an effort to 'keep me safe' from getting hurt. These thoughts would tell me that a person didn't really care about me, that I was horrible or super messed up, not fixable, never going to get over it, not a good friend, a slob, and the HUGEST etc.... ever. If you have gone through this, you KNOW the drill. Well, the mean thoughts are just the surface.
That's where the light comes in. When God flipped on the lights in my counselor's office, I, of course, wanted to run for the hills, leave her office immediately, phone a friend who I could tell how horrible she was and agree with me that I needed to never go back again.... until I realized that this person in my head was NOT telling me things that were helping me, or that were true, but were indeed my 'younger self' popping up 40 something years into the future and bullying me around... because she was INCREDIBLY hurt and was trying to look out for me. I know this sounds crazy, but it's just true.
When I FINALLY realized what was going on, I cried for days and days.... (not continually, but whenever I was alone and could let myself feel what I was really feeling underneath all of the critic panic and anger. What I found underneath was a WHOLE LOT of sadness and aloneness. GRIEF. Anger at the way I had been treated. And I journaled, and journaled... Every time something would set me off, I would spend time later when I was alone and would cry it out, feel the deep pain of it, and journal out what would come to my heart in the midst of that feeling of utter alone-ness.
My counselor would encourage me that many people don't want to go through the kind of pain it takes to go through the process of grieving this out...being kind to all of my parts, telling myself... 'you're ok baby...' when I was in the middle of a flare up, and just letting myself feel it all.
It has been super hard to go anywhere besides work, or let anyone besides my counselor the least bit close to me in this process. I think that in itself has been incredibly healing, because I have learned to give myself permission for a whole bunch of things I never thought I was allowed to do or feel. Telling myself it's ok to have a non-productive day... I'm in a healing process, and it takes focus. I don't need to be participating in a bunch of social activities, especially when they feel painful. I told her I just feel raw. She asked, 'like having a sunburn, and going places, or being around most people feels like it's exposing the burn to more sun? YES. Exactly.
God HAS given me a few friends from my divorce care group who are also super raw. Two of them also struggle with issues from their growing up, one in particular also had flashbacks and panic similar to mine. This was SUCH a gift to me to have someone who truly understands what this feels like and the work it is to let ourselves feel this pain, in order to leak the intense energy out of it and legitimize that it was a big deal and causing so much distress in my adult life. Somehow it's supposed to help. For now, it's just a ton of pain with no end in sight... but I do NOT want to just stay the way I am, so I am walking forward in it... not sure where I will end up.
Recently God has brought another friend who goes to my new church and also struggles with cPTSD along with a variety of other issues. Who in a million years would think that this crap would actually be useful!!!???? It is SO wonderful to spend time with her. We met for coffee a week ago and it was so incredible sharing our stories. Then, this weekend, we got to spend more time together and we're like instant friends, not only in the struggle, but in the fun department. It honestly felt like Christmas this weekend... like I got the best present ever. I feel NORMAL again, well maybe for the first time. It's amazing.
This place I'm in, is just one GIANT mess. SUPER ugly, sometimes hopeless. But the lights are on, and He has brought me some journey mates.
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