Tuesday I had a horrible afternoon. I was already stressed because I had ignored a warning I heard from God about 'not playing with fire'. Another warning was in the form of my daughter's blog who has been asking people what their advice is to college freshmen this year. One answer she posted, 'Don't sacrifice integrity for a relationship'. Yep. I heard Him right, and still I was the little mouse my great aunt used to tell me about when I was little, sniffing at the cheese on the mouse trap...going back for one more tiny little sniff. BAD idea.
No, I didn't do anything 'wrong'. Well, actually, yes, I did. I didn't listen to Papa. He is soo looking out for my good, and I just buzzed by His kind warnings and did what I wanted. The result was me feeling like crap all day on Monday, because I knew better. No, I didn't get snapped in the trap, but boy did I mess my mind up NEEDlessly.
So I was already in a bad mood from this, and then I came home from work and was in a hurry to get my son to his counseling appointment. He wasn't ready and at the same time, I noticed that my 10 X 10 portable tent over my back porch had blown away AGAIN, and gotten punctured by the fence and the bird feeder hook. I was SO upset. This was the sweet porch area my daughter and I shared all summer, eating our scrambled eggs out there together and just plain old bonding together in our new (rented) home. Right after I had dropped her off at college, I had come home and found the tent blown over and ruined. I had to physically break it into pieces to get it to go in the trash, it was so broken and wouldn't collapse the normal way.
Here I was again, and once again I felt the ''eyes" of my judgmental neighbor on me. No, she wasn't in her yard, and yes, she puts off a judgmental vibe, but I was dealing with the critic in me more than my neighbor. I was going into a full blown flashback of feeling left with a difficult situation and being made fun of in the middle of it, when I could just have used some help. I was also so sad that once again, our happy place was being ruined.
Well, the tent wouldn't collapse and I was quietly yelling at myself, and we were late...so I left the tent and came in and TRIED to pull myself together and stuff the upset me back down... and I waited for my son in the car. I got him to his appointment only 2 minutes late, but had beat myself up in my mind, on the car ride over upset we were late, and upset about the tent, and no one to help me... and I just dropped him off at the door.
I went to the grocery store while he was there, and got a few vegetables, and some money for his co-payment. I held it together in the store. When I was on my way back to find a place to cry it out alone, I suddenly realized I had forgotten his forms for his appointment he had after counseling. I was right back in the freak out mode, not thinking I would have time to do all the running around AND get back to get him on time.
On my way home, I was starting to go to the despair place, feeling like I would never get better... and all of a sudden I heard God say..."It really IS ok." I was stunned. I asked him..."It's ok the tent is broken?" He said..."Yep, it really is ok, I promise, you don't have to freak out about the tent OR the paperwork." I could feel myself calm down a little. I could see that I didn't have to feel this way. I could let what happened, happen, and it could just be ok. Ok to be late, ok to have a broken tent, ok to not have the paperwork... He would help me. "Your younger self feels left and scared, and sad. I'm so sorry you feel that way, and am so sorry for what happened to cause this reaction in you. But you don't have to worry now. It is ok now." I could feel myself separate from my younger self and let myself be ok. It was amazing.
I made it home, copied the forms, got back to counseling early. Filled out some of the forms, took him to his second appointment and got there early! I filled out the rest in the car, and the appointment went great.
That might seem like a small situation to some, but to someone who is battling all this emotion on a daily basis, this was a HUGE victory!
So, not only is there light.. but I am starting to see that it truly is good. One little baby step at a time. He is helping me. He is not in a hurry. He is showing me that there is another way. I can believe He will help me in these 'little/big' practical things. He is not setting me up to laugh at me. He is not the mean voice, He is helping me to hear the truth of His voice louder than the mean voice. His comfort is near to heal my heart from feeling so unbelievably left.
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